The Nucleusfire

Two months into a new chapter of my short almost mid life, scary to be honest with yourself when the thoughts are put to paper. The reluctant avoidance to even write what and hope that the last two months emotions have taken me is difficult. The solitude of my thoughts and the hurt emotions getting bottled up like a good micro brew. The love life has been hardship and allowing myself to open up yet again has went sour. Each time with a sterner push to the knife resting near the heart cavity. When were we ever told in middle school how you will continue to get hurt and hope will fade in and out like a candle running its lifespan, the wick getting smaller and the flame almost distinguished by used wax only to be cleared from constant heat to be burned brighter another day.

The opposition to write or express who I am is blocked from baggage or “wax” and constant social variables holding me back like chained prisoner fending from rats and used pieces of bread for nourishment. Seems to be difficult to stop rolling random thoughts. The day dreams get more creative, in my mind I am active, adventurous and even somebody of great wealth. Reality is that I Live in a basement, far into debt, bad credit, and swimming in choppy water trying to save my strength to wash a shore. The social life of mine is of a time where I was new, bartender and cultured. That being said, My new chapter is suffering by distinguishing the created temp social bounds to transitioning to a career focused one. The two chapters do not mesh well and when new relationships happen, my previous chapter haunts the new relationships with disease and cockroaches who never die even when it has been squashed. In having my truth there is always twenty chances for my truth to be challenged. In my mind when I came back to my roots I felt I would have one chance to make life right and I have done nothing but piss in every hole until the sewers were too full to simply flush.

Solitude is humbling and dark to a man at the same time. Humbling as you reflect and learn from past mistakes or from daily issues or even the real meaning. Dark as loneliness will eat souls slowly almost like black mold overtakes a basement within years. When you are lonely, you become comfortable with being alone and in solitude that when a positive relationship comes around you avoid the interaction as it is disrupting your daily routine. Not to mention routine because, that is an entire separate article, just on routine alone! Once immersed into a mind set, your day is gone and that turns to weeks then months until you become completely alone backed into a corner lined up waiting for death, blissfully. When you throw routine, death, solitude, dark, religion and happiness into one equation, one may be overwhelmed and learn to love the very routine they try so hard to avoid.

“ Lover of the loveless” ~Everett (eels) There is something to be said for somebody who always finds relationships with women who have recently been single, maybe its the attention or maybe its a curse for ending a 5 year relationship with a beautiful women while Karma is paying me back for eternity. Everybody tells me I have to be over my ex before another love can happen, I Honestly feel I had my closure, my loyalty with that will be tested every time I get hurt again in nature. Do we only love one person in life or is there a chance to love again (sounds like a cheesy indie love film). Since past, my complete openness has been touched twice in three years only to be hurt once again, then old memories of failure, insecurity and pain swell my mind like a tumor ready to kill off any blood flow that will help the feeling alone dissipate. Perhaps creating a lover of the loveless.

Modern Schooling should have a how to deal with emotions to be supportive semester taught in middle school that way we are prepared for the future of hardship, pain and dishonesty. Sure the counter argument is that the parents should teach or show by example how to handle emotions. In my defense, what if you grew up in a broken home, one parent abandons you and the other works multiple jobs to feed you daily. The one parent you are left with has to work two jobs and never has time to really be there to coach emotion or lead an example due to all there own abusive relationships. Personally I am dealing with emotions from childhood that still have not been reflected upon causing a long backed up to do list for say that needs to one day be a tension relief.

The Nucleusfire

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The start of a new Chapter. Short Article.

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